When WereRaccoons Attack
by Red Witch
Summary: After DOOML the remaining X-Men didn't think their lives could get any weirder. They were wrong.


**A bunch of raccoons took of with the disclaimer telling all of you I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Just a mad one shot in my Misfit verse saga. **

**When Were Raccoons Attack**

The attack happened not even two weeks after the majority of X-Men departed the Xavier Mansion. It was planned to time when Xavier left the mansion in order to go to Washington DC. Before the remaining X-Men knew it, the alarms went off.

"I should have known some slime buckets would try to pull something sooner or later," Logan growled.

"Who is it?" Tabitha asked as they ran to meet their attackers. "The FOH? Magneto and his cronies? The Hellfire Club? Cobra?"

"I don't know," Logan sniffed. "Never smelled these guys before."

"Oh goody! Some new creeps to play with!" Tabitha said sarcastically. "Like we don't have enough people who hate our guts!"

Logan, Bobby, Tabitha, Jubilee, Rina, Amara, Hank, Sam and Jamie ran outside to deal with the intruders. There were about fifty of them. Young men and women in grunge and punk clothing and all of them seemed to have way too much eyeliner around their eyes.

"X-Men!" Their leader, a young man with black hair, a lot of eyeliner and a large brown coat snorted. "It's time you people saw the true face of evolution!"

"Who are you and what do you want?" Logan unsheathed his claws. "I like to know who my opponents are before I rip their faces off!"

"Like I said, we are the next phase of evolution! We've been hiding in the shadows too long and now is the perfect time for us to take our rightful place! With your numbers decimated and ours have grown we shall take over your precious institute and claim it as part of our growing territory! HA HA HA HA!"

"Didn't answer my question, Bub," Logan growled. "Who are you?"

"Your worst nightmare," The leader grinned. Suddenly he began to shift and his body changed shape. Before the X-Men knew it everyone had changed into raccoons the size of large cats.

"No…This isn't even **close** to my worst nightmare," Bobby remarked.

"Wait you guys are…?" Tabitha blinked.

"That's right! We're were-raccoons!" The lead raccoon snapped.

"We're…**Raccoons?"** Logan sheathed his claws and put his head on his hand. "Give me a break!"

"Hey! We have cousins that are real powerful in Japan buddy!" Another raccoon snapped.

"Yeah and we have powerful friends in Canada and Maine so watch out!" The lead were-raccoon snapped.

"So are you humans that turn into raccoons or raccoons that turn into humans?" Tabitha blinked.

"Raccoons that turn into humans," The lead raccoon said. "I am Rocky! The warrior!"

"Rocky the Were-Raccoon," Logan said. "Now I have seen **everything!**"

"Look everybody's heard of werewolves and were-cats and stuff so we were all kind of tired of getting ignored!" Rocky snapped. "It's time for the were-raccoons to make their mark on the world!"

"Yeah it's time for us to get some street cred!" Another raccoon shouted.

"What are you gonna do? Turn over all our garbage cans and give us rabies?" Logan folded his arms. "Look I think you guys are in a bit over your heads here…"

"Hey! Don't let our cute faces and our innocent eyes fool you Jack!" Rocky snapped. "We're real vicious criminals here!"

"Yeah! The other day we stole a bunch of six packs from a convenience store!" Another raccoon snapped. "In broad daylight!"

"Hey I think I saw that on TV," Jamie said. "All about these raccoons walking in while the clerk was asleep and taking that stuff. They showed the surveillance tape on the news. That was you?"

"Yeah that was some master caper," Jubilee mocked. "What are you guys gonna hit next? Change from a vending machine?"

"Watch it sister!" Rocky snapped. "We've stolen a lot of other stuff too!"

"I'll bet," Jubilee rolled her eyes.

"We have!" Another raccoon snapped.

"Yeah right!" Tabitha mocked.

"I'm starting to miss the Misfits," Bobby sighed. "When are they getting back from training again?"

"That's it! That is **exactly** the attitude I am talking about here!" Rocky screamed. "Everybody goes on and on about werewolves and were cats! Oh they're so mysterious and powerful and sexy! So tormented! Everyone wants to make a movie about them! Blah blah blah! But if you tell someone that you're a were raccoon they just laugh at your face! We're dangerous too ya know?"

"Sure you are," Tabitha drawled.

"Hey! These claws can do a **lot** of damage Sister!" Rocky showed her. "And look how sharp these teeth are! Yeah! You wouldn't want to be bitten from that would ya? Hey we are very dangerous animals! But people think just because we're cute and cuddly we're not a threat! Well we are a threat! We're tired of those…those overgrown puppy dogs getting all the press and glory and it's time we **did** something about it!"

"So basically what you're telling us is that you're attacking us because you want people to take you seriously?" Hank sighed. "Look you don't have to…"

"Once we take you freaks down we'll finally get the **respect** we deserve!" Rocky ranted. "People will want to make movies and write books about **us!** People will fear us! We will have the power! And there's nothing you freaks can do to stop us!"

"They're not gonna listen are they?" Hank sighed.

"Nope," Logan shook his head.

"Do we really have to do this?" Rina was annoyed.

"Looks like it. Okay kids let 'em have it," Logan sighed as he leaned against a wall.

"Ha! Prepare to meet your…YIKES!" Rocky screamed as Bobby blasted an ice beam at him and he barely escaped. "THAT'S COLD!"

"HOT! HOT! TOO HOT!" Another Raccoon escaped Amara's fire blasts.

"AAAAHHH!" Other raccoons ran from Tabitha and Jubilee's powers.

"You rodents aren't even worth my claws!" Rina drop kicked another raccoon into the woods. "If you bother me again next time I'll use the claw in my **foot!"**

"Charge!" Dozens of Jamie clones chased raccoons around with rocks and large sticks.

"HEY! HEY! WATCH THE COAT HERE!" Rocky shouted. "Okay that's it! You wanna play rough? Fine! Let's kick this up a notch!"

He whistled. Dozens more raccoons poured out of the woods, surrounding them. "You can't stop us all!" Rocky shouted. "We'll wipe you out with numbers! How are you gonna handle that huh? Huh?"

"Fine we'll bring out the big guns," Logan sighed. "Just remember you brought this on yourselves."

Then Logan whistled. "PENNY!"

"Penny?" Rocky gulped as a cute pink girl in a black leather outfit bounded in on all fours. "That's your big gun? A cute little pink girl?"

"You were saying something earlier about cuteness masking true ferocity?" Hank smirked. "You are about to get lessons from the **master** on this!"

"Penny, go get the **big rats!"** Logan smiled. "Go get them girl!"

And with a squeal she did.

"Oh **that's **gonna leave a stain on the wall," Hank winced. "And the grass. And the tree over there..."

"Man if I wasn't so used to all this blood I'd be sick," Jamie made a face.

"Uh was this really necessary?" Sam asked as the raccoons were slaughtered.

"Hey they threatened our home and our lives and are making me miss Distracted Househusbands," Tabitha gave him a look. "In my book these jerks deserve everything they get."

SQUEAL! SHRED! SLASH!

"Boy she's really going through them like a hot pink knife through hairy butter," Sam blinked.

"She's had a lot of practice with squirrels and mailmen," Jubilee shrugged. "And they're a lot faster than these losers."

"I am impressed," Rina smiled proudly.

"Well I'm not cleaning this up," Tabitha folded her arms.

"At least not until after our show is over," Amara agreed. "Come on Tabitha."

"Uh you think we should help?" Hank asked as the rest of the students went inside as Penny went on with her play.

"AAAH! OH MY GOD! IT'S THE SLAYER! THE WERERACCOON SLAYER! THE PROPHECY HAS COME TRUE! MY TAIL! AAAAHHHH!" The were-raccoons screamed as they were maimed and fled for their lives.

"Like Tabitha said, they brought this on **themselves**," Logan grunted. "We'll come back out and get her when she's finished."

"THIS IS NOT OVER! THIS IS NOT THE LAST YOU WILL HEAR OF US X-MEN!" Rocky screamed. "YEOW! OKAY THIS IS THE LAST YOU'VE HEARD OF US! RETREAT! RETREAT!"

"And to think we all wonder why **everyone else** left," Hank sighed.

"They didn't leave because of Charles," Logan growled. "They left because they couldn't take this _insane crap_ anymore! And quite frankly I see their point."

"Maybe we should take the hint?" Hank sighed. "No, Penny I don't want a raccoon head. Some other time."


End file.
